While we wait

Lately I have been dreaming of spring, literally. Green grass full of clover and bees, colorful flowers decorating the landscape, the smell of warm, fresh turned earth, and gentle, relaxing breezes fill my head in the night. A change of seasons would be good for my soul right about now. Not just the weather (although who talks about anything but the cold grip that winter has on the majority of the country as we post pictures of snowmen peppered with knives with captions saying, Die, Winter! Die!) but also this season of waiting.
I think I dream of spring because I am ready for change. I feel tired most of the day and completely exhausted by the end of it. My children can out-maneuver me in any kind of physical capacity which makes me feel defeated as a mother (when you have all boys keeping up with them physically is important!). I feel like I can barely manage my daily household responsibilities and it feels very much outside my normal realm to not be able to keep up! But God is showing me things in this season that make me realize it is better to embrace this time of dependence instead of closing my eyes and praying that it ends.

Here are a few things I am learning:

1. “For everything there is a season, a time and a purpose under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1
This season WILL end. I know it seems like it never will. A few more days carrying a baby can seem like a few more months when you are limited in what you can eat, how much you can drink, an achy body and limited, restless sleep at night. But there are many things to be thankful for. I have this time now to spend with our other children  before the arrival of a new baby and carrying a baby to full term is a blessing that many women are denied. I always try to remind myself that I would rather be tossing and turning at night instead of sitting next to an incubator in a NICU. This is a season of slowing down, I mean growing a human is kind of a big deal; I shouldn’t expect to keep up! The sweet snuggles in the mornings when I get up with our two-year old, listening to my middle child tell stories from his amazing imagination, or finishing reading “The Island of the Blue Dolphins” with my oldest at night are the things that will, most likely, be put on the back burner for a time. I am really working on fully being present in the now.

2. “Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:1
From where does my rest and comfort come from? Often I find myself seeking it apart from God. Foolish, I know, but that’s what I do. My mind doesn’t seem to have enough focus to really dig deep into the Word but I am trying to get what I can. A few verses a day that remind me of the promises of God, a good devotional by a mom whose story gives me hope or even just spending time in prayer while meditating on what I have memorized. These are the things that are my source of strength and rest and sustenance even in little tiny sips.

3. “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” 2 Corinthians 10:5a
I don’t know about you but the end of pregnancy/postpartum makes me a bit emotionally unstable (if you ask my husband he will tell you this is the understatement of the year!). It is not something that I enjoy, the ups and downs swinging on the pendulum of moodiness. I don’t think this ever was an issue with my first two children but the added stressors of raising babies has significantly changes how I react. I was blindsided by these raw emotions during my third pregnancy and postpartum. Looking back I can clearly see how much it affected me but at the time I just did what I needed to do and felt like a crazy person on the verge of tears while I did it. It is not a good place to be.  As I wait for this baby I can see some of that creeping up on me. On minute I am so chill remembering that babies come when they come basically taking the usual granola approach to childbirth that I love. The next I am crawling into bed at night, almost crying, thinking, “Why am I still pregnant?” But these thoughts and mood swings are honestly not honoring to God. How can I acknowledge His sovereignty and question His perfect timing? It is something that I wrestle with but going back to this verse from Corinthians to take every thought captive is a timely reminder of living what I believe.

As far as I know no one has ever been pregnant forever. I also know that when I am at this point ‘pregnant forever’ does seem like a very real possibility and Discovery Health will soon be calling to run a special on my condition. I have seen God orchestrate so many things in my life and that of my family, especially lately, that I know He has a perfect birthday picked for our newest addition. While I wait for that day I will also patiently wait upon the Lord who knows whose plans are always good. Until then take heart all you mommas who are waiting. There is no better time than this season to press into God.


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