What no one told me about childbirth. Number one: Depends

The other day I was watching some tv, which is a huge luxury for any adult in our house, when a commercial came on for Depends. What was being advertised was that they now come in a subtle peach color instead of ultra-sterile white. This commercial grabbed my attention because I love Depends! Seriously! We all know childbirth is messy but usually one is in a hospital and a nurse is cleaning and discreetly putting things into trash bins so this reality isn’t always evident to a mother in labor.

What really comes as a surprise is how messy postpartum is (please stop reading if this is something you either care not to know or won’t be able to handle.) There is a lot of blood, fluids, and if you are extra lucky you won’t be able to control your bladder as a fun side effect of pushing out a baby. The first time I did this I was frustrated by the mesh underwear that you get in the hospital with the oversized pads that stay in place only by some providential intervention. Then you go home and your bed doesn’t come with plastic sheets or an in-home nurse to do laundry. I knew there had to be something better. So when baby number two was on his way I heard of another mom using Depends. They are super easy, stay in place and are disposable. I never thought I would love wearing a diaper so much! Baby number two also caused me a significant loss of the sensation to pee, which means that I would regularly pee myself. No problem though, right? Because I was wearing an adult diaper. Until the day I thought I was good and didn’t wear one.

My second born was about 5 weeks old when I went to visit my brother and his wife in Fort Sill, OK, with my dad. They have  a very nice little zoo so we went there to check out the animals. The facility had a huge grey goose that roamed free and as we were walking down the path we can see that the creature was becoming visibly agitated and setting its sites on my two-year old son. So my sister-in-law has the baby, my brother picks up my oldest and we start to make a wide path around the goose and that is when the goose comes after my dad. Flogging his wings and pecking, literally, right at his crotch. It was a funny thing to see and we were all laughing when I realize that laughter was not going to be a good thing for bladder control. I turned away from the scene and tell my SIL, “I’m going to pee my pants…” She says, “Me, too.” “No really, I am going to pee my pants.” That is when I made the mistake of looking back, I apparently learned nothing from Lot’s wife. My father, who is still being harassed by the goose, grabs it by the neck with one hand and scoops under his tail with the other and launches it about 25 feet through the air. That is when I peed my pants. At first warm it quickly became uncomfortably cold as I stood outside in the Oklahoma winter. I had to admit to my family what happened so they could take me home to change clothes. My SIL was very sympathetic, my dad didn’t say much (really, what could you say at this point?) and my brother didn’t understand how I could just “pee”. He even made me sit on a plastic grocery sack in their car for the ride home.

So there is my story and now you can see why I would be so excited about a flesh-colored, more discreet adult diaper. It could have saved me from this story! Besides it is the best thing I have ever used postpartum. Some of you have even received this gift from me when having babies. Luckily, with time, you can graduate from the adult diaper as long as you avoid trampolines and sneezing with a full bladder (enjoy the respite because someday you may be back in them involuntarily).

Really this would include two things no one told me about childbirth. One is depends, two is that you will lose all self-respect and post embarrassing things online for all to see. Oh well, there it is.

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One response to this post.

  1. Depends, how did I never think to use these?!?! Ok, next year after this kid I’m definitely trying them out. I hate trying to get those pads to stay in place right after when the flow is heavy! And yes, thankfully I was home most of the time when I’d pee when laughing/sneezing/coughing/what have you. But I have to be careful with jumping and physical activities. One time at a church soccer game….. it is not fun to deal with. Part of giving up of self to have kids, huh. 🙂 LOL, loved the Lot’s wife comparison, hilarious.

    Reply

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