To every season, a purpose

I think I used to be more fun, maybe, I am not exactly sure but I don’t like to think that I was always this way. Somewhere between babies one and three I have become someone who isn’t always very fun. I have a theory that it’s because the majority of my life is consumed with making sure everything is done for everyone around me and that takes a certain amount of seriousness. The kids are fed on time, they are dressed, they are clean, their fun is scheduled for the day, the house is picked up, the laundry is done, school is complete, dinner is planned, dinner is made, groceries are stocked….. The list is never-ending. I have once compared it to the birthrate in China: If all the people in China lined up single file the line would never end because of the rate of repopulation. That sounds about right. But this list is my job, I’m a mom and a homemaker and in my job there are certain things that I expect. It’s a standard that I have in place for myself; when I commit to a job I fully intend to do it well. Except I have found one can be too practical and efficient with kids because they require a fine balance of rigidity and spontaneity.

Being at home with small children, I feel, doesn’t leave me a lot of room to “just relax”. There are many things to get done and they depend on me to do it and their schedules are not easily altered. If I do, I will surely pay the piper. Except in real life the piper does not lead my children away giving me a much-needed break. He leaves them, cranky and insolent, and I get to do damage control! Yet on the flip side, if they are sick or having an off day or whatever, I will have to completely rearrange the set schedule in order to accomodate. Living in this balance does make it feel like I have lost a sense of self. I don’t feel that way all the time but it comes to the surface every now and then (especially with the right combination of sleep deprivation and stress). In those moments, it’s hard to imagine that circumstances will change but I know they will, they have so far and the truths of history are a good indicator of the future.

So I am not throwing in the towel just yet. I have hope that as our children get older I will make a return to a more relaxed self, one who doesn’t feel that I have to plan 10 steps ahead in order just to keep up. For now I am trying to embrace this season, one where my main focus is to meet their every need, physical and emotional. I know it’s fleeting, every veteran parent will tell you to cherish these years because they go by too fast. So instead of complaining I am praying for patience, gentleness, understanding and love because those are the traits I want for my new self, my mom self.


One response to this post.

  1. This hits home with me in so many ways!!! It’s like you were describing me exactly. Must be a common thing with those of us staying at home with small kids.


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